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I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.
The future is now.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.