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i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet