Banking tips
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call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.