Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.

The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.

if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.

People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times

Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”

Batman: “Shut up.”

I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.

i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show

Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.

the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted

Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones

I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.

Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.

I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.

[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle

Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.

I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air

[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?

Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.

Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.

Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.

my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website

I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.

The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.

Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.