banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
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My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.
my dog when i have a friend over
sistine chapel
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Take care of yourself so you can better turn the tables on any serial killer type situation, should it arise.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky