banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
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My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.