Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.

The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing

Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“

*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.

Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.

Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.

Me after 1 airport cocktail:

If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.

Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”

When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.

Times are tough, wanna go halfsies on this demon with me?

I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.

I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.

Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries

I need everyone to stop having the flu and bringing the flu to the ER and then infecting the non flu patients with the flu so they come back to the ER for the flu, etc etc

People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.

When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?

[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks

“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.

whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”

[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*

I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!

😂😂

Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still

*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS

i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her

A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic

Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality

Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.