Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.

My husband’s just had a meeting about meetings.

Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back

so I asked him to move.

The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.

WTF IS AN ACRONYM

Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?

Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there

Cop:….

Me:..

Cop: sir, your tailamp is out

Me:…

Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?

Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.

*fills the ice tray once*

I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE

If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room

When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.

Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.

STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.

ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.

[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael

Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?

Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.

Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”

Her: is the game almost over?

Me: this is just the first half

Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?

Me: you’re pretty

her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer

When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.

Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.

Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro

my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t

“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.

me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux

penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]

me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size

Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.

Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think

Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!

Him: Just ignore him.

Me: I’m trying!

Him: I was talking to the dog…

*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it

An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole