Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.

One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone

Clark Kent: *removes glasses*

Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are

My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”

That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.

Sup?

every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it

(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)

DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”

5yo: That will be 5 dollars.

Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.

Hey! Where’s my change?

5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.

If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”

This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.

Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.

How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?

If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it

My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday

My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain

don’t we all

It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?

You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating

Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.

Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.

In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’

I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair

If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.

If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.

KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u

[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]

ME: holy shit u saved me

OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die

My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”