Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on date]

HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”

ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”

Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.

He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor

dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly

patient: he doesn’t even know my mom

dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth

I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.

Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.

My wife said I need to grow up.

I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

“I love this song!”

“This is my favorite song!”

“I love this song!”

“No, THIS is my favorite song!”

~ Me, listening to my own playlist

I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem

Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.

Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic

[3 months later]

Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time

Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”

Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet

When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial

[bed]

ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me

ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe

Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.

My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.

cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry

me: some of your colleagues are chasing me

Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays

Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works

Me: the vacuum broke

Husband: that sucks

Me: no it doesn’t

Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?

Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack

*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading

My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.

The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.

I challenged him to a rap battle.