Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”

The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.

I will hear no other opinions on this matter.

Watch Forrest Gump

*feel inspired

*toss orthotics out, go for jog

*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker

*In fancy restaurant*

Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?

Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh

me: i’ll have the steak

waiter: this is a vegan restaurant

me: ok i’ll have the vegan

Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem

*Arrives at the barbers*

“I’d like some highlights please”

*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*

Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.

Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.

Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.

*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”

*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”

Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”

Outside: [*raining clowns*]

Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster

Therapist: go on

Me: oh so you’re taking her side now

If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.

Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.

I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”

Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.

I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.

Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)

Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂

*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*

I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.

I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him

Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.

*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*

Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.

Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?

Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]

Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call

Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification

Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”

If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now

Boating season is upon us.

“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.