Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scientist: what do u know about atoms

Me: very little

Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.

The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.

[at the mechanic]

me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..

mechanic: that’s the horn

“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway

“Not that one” I whisper moments too late

Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside

Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside

Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.

Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.

Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?

Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.

“Wish You Were Beer!”

Wait…no…that’s right…send.

every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy

First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!

I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.

You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.

Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?

Yes.

I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?

‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage

“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”

ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey

When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.

JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody

ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-

JOHN LENNON: not just anybody

ME: damn wow okay

Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?

Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.

Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!

I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit

The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.

little girl: he was a gift

horse dentist: then I cannot help you

Player 1: There goes his funny bone.

Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!

Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!

I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)

Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.

My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.

Them: I wish for world peace

Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu

I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…