Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She texted me, “I love U”

So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”

Now my CD’s are missing.

Weird!

If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon

I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one

When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…

white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone

My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.

When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.

You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.

Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”

Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”

[during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there’s only one season of firefly

They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.

I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.

The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.

All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.

Everyone else: hold my beer

Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit

doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on

me: probably since the summer of 2015

Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.

[date night]

me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here

gf: we are in your apartment

me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door

I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense

Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching

I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.

In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too

The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.

Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.

They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.

dog owners: their name is buddy

cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito

Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.

*growing up in a family of six kids*

Love you dad!

Dad:

Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…

Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS