Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [throws bouquet]

florist: are you gonna buy something

I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.

if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back

This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am

The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.

Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.

me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]

10: this is nice dad

me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.

10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?

me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]

Mobster: we need to set up a shell company

Lobster: let me handle this, boss

“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”

There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.

If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team

If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code

*at dinner table*

Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’

Her:

Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’

A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating

Me: The house is clean!

Kid: Hold my juice box!

Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere

Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes

Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year

Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.

*on a first date*

Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal

Me: aw thanks

*turns to the waiter*

Me: do you have pony meat

she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October

Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.

Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”

Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”

I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage

Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.

Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.

My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting

all my demons came for free. these must be organic.

It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.