Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.

Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.

My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.

Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.

Me: It’s my guide dog.

Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…

In the bathroom:

Me: *Meticulously manscapes*

Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”

Dear student,

When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.

Yours,

A disturbed lecturer

I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*

ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5

Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here

Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad

Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself

Vet: We have to put his dog down

Assistant: You tell him

Vet: No, you

Assistant: You!

Vet: YOU!

John Wick: What are you two whispering about?

I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.

Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.

Happy weekend !

Facebook marketplace is a different world

The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.

In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.

Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex

*shudders

[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.

Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.

“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”

– Hannibal Labradoodle

scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien

Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.

Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.

Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”

Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all

So your kid can speak 3 languages?

That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.

me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith

Judge: you’ve been charged with assault

Batman: you mean battery

Judge: no it was physical assault

Batman: *whispers* batsault