Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: You should get your hair cut.
Miss 11: If I get my hair cut I’m not giving you any

police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor

11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken

I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke

Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.

Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean

Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.

Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.

Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.

If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?

me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up

boss: hey we’re in a meeting

me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me

Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?

Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.

Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.

My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂

The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”

If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.

I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.

The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.

Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.

I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet

Me: You just sat on my glasses.

Husband: *Stands up* What?

Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?

Falls for it every time.

Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…

Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH

While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems

Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*

God: Build me an ark.

Noah: A what?

God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.

Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?

[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life

My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…

I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE

My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.

I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.