Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun

me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread

Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!

I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.

Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.

PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!

A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.

If you love someone, set them free . . . if they come back with a large pepperoni pizza and wings, it was meant to be.

Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face

Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.

My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.

*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette

my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no

I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.

If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.

[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Superman: Seriously?

Life plan:

1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!

“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.

Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.

She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.

Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.

The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.

Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus

NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped

[god creating worms]

WORM: Alright I’m a snake!

GOD: Well, no you—

WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?

GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy

My wife has the worst taste in men.

ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?

HER: give me back my baby

COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP

OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles

COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP

OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude

COP: Just go. I give up.

My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*

My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.

After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.

I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…

the only organized thing in my life is crime