Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.

Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”

Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?

Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.

Ever wonder how many cap fulls of ZzzQuil would it take for you to wake up spooning an inflatable Snowman 2 blocks away ….. well it’s 3

*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.

*whispers* cheerios

So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!

All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.

[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]

waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews

“I’ll just use bug spray”

Mosquitos in the Midwest

10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?

Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]

In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”

[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!

I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.

MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.

6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?

Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.

The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.

Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.

“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.

Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws

Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano

yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses

Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.

My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?

Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord

If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either

Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.

Me: I can’t do anything right

Therapist: You’re in my chair

daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘impossible’

“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”

*walks off stage*