[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
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If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
doing your own taxes
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts