Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.

coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?

me: no thanks i’m not hungry

Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas

My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.

*at the red lobster*

me: i will have the red lobster

waiter: okay

i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again

I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.

Me: So that’s a no?

“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop

Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.

My parents: we have something to tell you

Me: ok

Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm

Me: Ya, muffin

Parents: well that didn’t actually happen

Me: oh no

Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers

Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.

Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.

Interviewer:

Me: And neither wears pants

Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*

Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.

Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.

Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.

Son: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great

Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.

When did white people become such fucking pussies?

Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!

Genie: you have three wishes.

Me: i want a million wishes.

Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!

If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it

Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War

[Home Depot staff meeting]

BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?

ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.

Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.

The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests

Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.

Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.

If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’

Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.