banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
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None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
*skinny dips into black hole
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.