Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions

Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page

Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.

CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]

birds: it’s so peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

She said “stay up, imma call you”.

i’ve been awake for 4 days

*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™

Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer

Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”

I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.

in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies

“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*

What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?

A Mootation

Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!

Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.

[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*

Finally

[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all

if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am

*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions

Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.

Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’

Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.

*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*

Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it

My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room

Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace

All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.

I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.

a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.