banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Choose your fighter
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Hard not to take this personally
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
