Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This woman posted her giant baby on TikTok and the Detroit Lions commented “dibs” I can’t believe we’re about to lose this app.

Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive

Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude

My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”

You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.

6YO: My tummy hurts

Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate

6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy

“I’m a night owl”

all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.

I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”

How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist

Therapist: Would you date yourself?

Me: No, I deserve better…

If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.

not hearing back from people right away:

2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.

2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about

Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!

Losers.

*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*

[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No

Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.

I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.

Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers

Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.

Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.

Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.

Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).

Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain

cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts

cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?

Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.

Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*

Me: Dammit.

They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.

Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots

Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look

whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person

Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.