banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
can’t believe I got front row seats
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
These 3D printers are insane!
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Buying a well is money well spent.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
