Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.

eye doctor: your results aren’t good

me: can I see them

eye doctor: probably not

Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,

“Guess who got laid last night?”

Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices

Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).

“Eat me,” said the noun

“Say what?” said the verb.

“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.

“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.

I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.

Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’

[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]

Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.

Wife: *falls in volcano*

Me: You ok, honey?

Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?

date: i’m very level-headed

me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too

when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing

Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.

“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays

if i had a frisbee team, our name would be Panic! At The Disc Throw and we would qualify for the regional finals and hi 5 the shit out of everyone

Happy Friday the 13th! Slay the holidays 🛷🎄

I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.

Food puns are my love language

…what, they make me corny.

On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?

The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?

Active voice: I loved your book

Passive voice: Your book was loved

Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book

Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.

A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.

Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.

[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.

[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.

“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”

Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL

* hangs up land-line *

In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.

Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.

Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second

You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you