Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
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A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
TWEET CALL
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If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!