Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
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Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.