Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”

woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”

[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]

She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.

me: u ok babe?

babe: oink

I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.

professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-

me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it

professor: okay there is one stupid question

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.

A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.

My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.

I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.

It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.

me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point

waitress: oh thank god!

Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.

Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.

Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.

I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…

devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up

[blood donor clinic]

dracula: can i order a pint please?

I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.

my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that

Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others

[creating seahorses]

God: give em little horsey faces

Angel: aww cute

God: fish lookin bodies

Angel: ok…wait, really?

God: curly-cue tails lol

Angel: this is confusing

God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch

Angel:

God: POP

“Pasta la veista, baby”

-Arnold Schwarzenoodles

I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience

I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right

A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time

My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol

In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”

WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD

A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.