Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
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Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice