Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.

Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.

Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*

Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.

[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese

Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.

I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.

Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore

You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”

I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.

To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.

hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?

Wife: Six, Your Honor.

Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.

Husband: She also stole a can of peas!

My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.

Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”

Breaking news:

My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.

ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*

*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*

DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.

Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions

@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point

The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.

Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.

Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no

“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.

God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]

colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe

also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion

My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.