Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.

Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart

That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls

after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host

People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?

[getting murdered]

Hang on, let me clear my browsing history

a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.

If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.

[Flirting]

I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.

Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!

Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?

I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.

[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)

My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease

I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.

So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know

The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.

Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority

Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?

Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*

Of course morning sex is better.

You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.

I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him

Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.

you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar

BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?

ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel

Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron

I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.

My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS

Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?

Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair

*bursts into a bank*

EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME

All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects

Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between