Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*

Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class

I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm

how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider

OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.

Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.

This is what makes twitter great

The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.

I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.

Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.

I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.

Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.

Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?

*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*

Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.

Me: That’s a cam-

Wife: …

Me: Yes. Yes they do.

Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.

I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.

You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.

My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING

These aren’t even hard anymore.

My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days

Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?

If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.

ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond

(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)

ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing

(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)

NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu

I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.

FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.

SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*

[haunted house]

Me: I’m terrified

Jessica: is it the rattling chairs

Erica: is it the bleeding doors

Sarah: is it the possessed portraits

Kate: is it the shaking coffins

Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before