Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”

I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.

doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live

me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure

doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure

Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: hi grayfish

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: u said that already

GOLDFISH: said what

Ron is short for Aaronald

In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.

My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig

*looking a gift horse in the mouth*

– British dentists

I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..

Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible

Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job

*reindeer smoking in interrogation room*

…*exhale*…

…Old broad was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.

me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂

Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”

Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.

I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs

My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?

It’s on my to-do list.

Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.

Wife: What? Why?

Me: I was calling her Siri.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I’m naming our next kid.

Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.

Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?

Pet Store: Aluminum I think

Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?

Pet Store: Don’t you dare!

Me: It’s a nickleless cage

Pet Store: GET OUT!

I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog

me: *turns around in swivel chair*

*tents fingers*

I guess you never expected to see ME again…

Boss: Must we do this every Monday?

[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying

“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”

I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.

I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.

It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?