Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody:

Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS

Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.

Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons

Me: Like what?

Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die

Me: And what are the cons?

12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this

“get his ass” is so hilarious. its like the modern version of “seize him”

Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside

Her: you mean bees?

[loud thud on the window]

Me: get the gun

[death row]

prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?

me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years

1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.

3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.

(at a party)

them: truth or dare.

me: dare.

them: go home.

I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone

I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.

Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace

Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.

And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?

-Ordering a pizza $40

-Having it delivered $5

-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home

Sliceless

I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.

I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.

Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.

“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application

Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.

I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.

*6 hours later*

S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*

Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen

the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found

The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter

My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”

Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!

[social gathering]

guy: wow, you work in an ER?

me: yep

guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?

me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit

The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.

What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.

What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.

Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..

And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.