Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.

Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.

SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust

Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think

A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.

When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.

DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord

DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?

DV: fire!

[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]

Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!

Me: NO!

Him: What? I haven’t even said anything

Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to

Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok

If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.

First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.

my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon

I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today

*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*

haha excellent

I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.

Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?

I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one

My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.

I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”

Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”

Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?

ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.

I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.

*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately