[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
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When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Me recordaron éste meme
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?