Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Flirting]

I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.

“It all started when my mom met my dad…”

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

Had an epiphany today.

my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”

You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.

lol sometimes I-

[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”

Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.

I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.

All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.

Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?

Me: 100%

It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.

She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones

There’s never enough good news

The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.

I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby

PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day

ME: Thanks, have a great baby

Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.

Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow

The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression

I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go

ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars

HER: what’s it called

ME: sorry, no spoilers

You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.

*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*

[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]

reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.

superman: yes, yes I did.

reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?

superman:

reporter:

Stop being racist to kettles.

Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?

“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone