Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier: That will be $82.07.

Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.

Cashier: That will be $82.03.

Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.

I need to wipe.

They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.

12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!

If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…

My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.

Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.

The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill

Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.

If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.

*looking in The Mirror of Erised*

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.

it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken

My mother’s birthday is tomorrow on Friday the 13th. The only thing she told me she wanted was to not die. If you’ve ever wondered where my sense of humor comes from, there’s your answer.

Probably the best newspaper correction ever

#BritishSausageWeek

I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me

An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.

Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃

Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids

They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point

[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit

work smarter, not harder

The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.

(Don’t need me)

I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.

Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done

I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.

When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get

If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.

Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid

Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid

Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?

Fireman: ….

{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?

reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”