Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.

I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.

Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what

My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.

“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”

New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?

Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…

This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.

I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.

Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried

When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.

“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”

Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.

“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what’s your location

me: i’m in the cockpit

control tower: i mean where is the airplane

me: mainly behind me

The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.

doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week

me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one

MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.

A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.

Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!

*silence*

Todd the snail: This is bullshit

*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*

Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.

I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.

Boss – can you pass a piss test?

Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?

Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.

My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes

Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.

Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.

I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.

OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-

Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.

[first day in hell]

Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.

Satan: Muahaha!

Me: The air…it’s moist.

Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.

Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.

Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.