*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
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Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast