Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Dentist chair]

Him: Lie back and open wide

Me: At least buy me dinner first

Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this

Me: *typing* Too late

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.

My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:

“So do we have super glue?”

I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.

The asteroid..

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.

The Times are rough.

I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.

When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”

Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.

Her: When I was dancing in my panties?

Me: No…Cooking

I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.

old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca

*looking in The Mirror of Erised*

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”

I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.

Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.

The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…

For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me

At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!

If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.

Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!

Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes

Cop: The fashion police

Me *kicking my crocs off* shit

When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots

Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job

Willy Wonka:

My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.

Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.

Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.

I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.

Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.

💯😂

Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you