Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.

If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.

[heaven’s IT department]

Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?

God: Yes, why?

Too many open windows

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

Scavenger Hunt Party

Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.

“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”

After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.

[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”

When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it

Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Funeral Director: Please leave sir

Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go

*loud crash*

15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!

13: The key word being “almost”.

Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime

Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.

i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic

*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you

[mailman delivering package to hospital]

DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered

MAILMAN: please stop saying that

Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased

Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!

ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.

HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?

ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.

Him: You need to work on your communication skills

Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC

“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”

what the hell pray for carter everyone

Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.

My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!

If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.

Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.

[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.