Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?

I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.

a rare painting of a porcu’melon

“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White

Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake

No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)

Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something

Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too

*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!

When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.

i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right

Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.

IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE

So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.

me: did you even eat lunch today?

10: yea

me: what’d you have?

10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat

me: your mom is gonna kill me.

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Son: am I adopted?

Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.

So Hamburger help me, God

I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.

On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.

Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.

everyone has that one prude friend

I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.

I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”

I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”

what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.

I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.

if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.

if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain

Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.

Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?

Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.