Time is money. Money talks. So time talks. But talk is cheap. So time is cheap. But time is money. So money is cheap. Which it’s not.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
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Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Me: Top desk drawer.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.