@prufrockluvsong

[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]

him: SLANTY *clink*

me: I think you mean sláinte

him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey

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@TheTweetOfGod

Time is money. Money talks. So time talks. But talk is cheap. So time is cheap. But time is money. So money is cheap. Which it’s not.

@KevinFarzad

Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing

@AGStr8upNinja

Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.

@mattgallo123

It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

@truegritrumble

DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.

@Chumpstring

FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to

@notfaizzy

I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…

@SaraThomas84

I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB

@IamEveryDayPpl

Coworker: Do you have any snacks?

Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?

Coworker:

Me: Top desk drawer.

@msdanifernandez

My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.