Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠

It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.

I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting

Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.

Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.

There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot

“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.

When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.

Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?

My eyes: *see baby on board sign*

My brain: surfing infant

15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.

Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?

Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.

Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.

6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.

Thanks 2020!!!

5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”

Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”

5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”

her: babe!

me: wait, I want to word this tweet right

her: BABE!!

me: and send… what was the question?

minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.

Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?

Me: do you love me?

Siri: I’m only your assistance.

Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.

Siri:there are two bridges near you.

Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.

Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.

-first day of algebra class

I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.

Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.

*moves to Fiji*

[on Shark Tank]

me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”

My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.

3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!

Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.

*fuzz moves*

Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!

what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for

Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.

Her: Have you seen my glue gun?

Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.

Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.

“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”

“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”