MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
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My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.