barbara was highly relatable
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we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
My kids: We’re bored!
Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.