barbara was highly relatable
You Might Also Like
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Good morning.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.
date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path