barbara was highly relatable
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I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.