barbara was highly relatable
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just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
This was the best day of my life
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
the greatest twitter interaction
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.