Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash

Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way

Wife: cuddle?

Me: ok

Wife: I mean with me

Me: *with my teddy bear* right

Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.

WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?

ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet

this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time

Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind

Her: Did you just ask that woman out?

Me: Yes…

Her: And? What’d she say?

Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”

My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.

♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫

I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day

I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.

I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.

If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.

In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.

My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.

[dinner w/friends]

“How long you two been married?”

It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.

[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first

The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.

good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast

[Christmas]

ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?

HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?

ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.

Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌

When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?

Gas stations be like:

Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.

Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.

Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…

SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief

3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑