Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.

Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat

Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.

on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it

I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.

Incredible customer service.

you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now

You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud

A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year

“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside

Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.

meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off

I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.

Omg like wtf
-me, praying

Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”

Ok, I’ll bite

What’s an ab?

just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”

still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.

My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.

Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.

Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?

Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car

[first day as a paramedic]

How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?

I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.

Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.

[on a date]

me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?

him: CHECK PLEASE

Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.

People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.