[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
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Admin smashed it 😂
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?