barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
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Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
me adding lol on a serious message
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Erm I’m gonna say no
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.