barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
You Might Also Like
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Phonetics
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.