Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
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I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Oh thanks BBC.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.
-my mirror
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.