Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?

If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.

Jesus: My moms a virgin.

Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.

Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you

Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know

Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.

Me: I’d like one wet wipe please

Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10

As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.

Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.

Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.

me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]

We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.

Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.

*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?

Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…

…it’s just me, taking the stairs

This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.

ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog

You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?

choose your fighter

The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.

happy birthday to me. i am 25.

*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*

Nurse: We only need one.

*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*

guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?

guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should

“Wow, Awesome costume.”

“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”

Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.

App: This app would like to use your location.

Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!

caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson

I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.

I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.

Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.

Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage

Bar tender: On the rocks?

Me: What? No. Full of coke