Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
![]()
You Might Also Like
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
![]()
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.
They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”