Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow

*gets down on one knee*

ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.

I’m here!

– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.

I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES

My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.

Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant

Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?

Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight

Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)

Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge

*As the Titanic sinks*

Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album

Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO

If we’ve learned anything from history…

I’d be amazed.

Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?

Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.

Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.

Me: *death glare*

If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.

You know….

Squid Pro Quo

You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”

It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.

ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?

WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao

[ordering Indian food]

them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-

me: I’m white

them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?

Son: Your makeup looks weird

Me: I’m not wearing any

If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you

Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend

Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed

Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …

November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain

Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading

[airport]

GF: I guess this is goodbye

ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes

GF: [crying] Goodbye

ME: [trying real hard] Hello

There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.

Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.

Moon: *throws shade*

Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.

ME: we need to fight diabetes

INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more