Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
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When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.
No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS