Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.

my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend

“Can you put it all in an email?”

Translations:

1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…

GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?

GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?

Boxing is born.

Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help

It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.

Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it

*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.

I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story

Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.

I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.

“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:

I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.

How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?

4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?

Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.

4: Mom is at your work?

-commercial break-

Husband: *silent*

-fight scene-

Husband: *completely and utterly silent*

-quiet dialogue scene-

Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets

At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners

me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches

them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest

Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.

Him: The last couple of years have been tough.

Me: Tell me about it!

Him: Well, two years ago I…

Me: Don’t really, though.

Burning rubber…

While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad

So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.

Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.

a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck

Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.

her: what do you want?

me: to pay for my sins

her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru

me: I mean to pay for my McSins

I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.

I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.

Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.