Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
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I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
H:”Where’d you get those shoes?”
Me:”I’ve had these for years. Is that a new grill I saw?”
H:”Nope just cleaned the old one”
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Man shall not live on bread alone. Yet it is easy to forget this at restaurants and end up full before the appetizer.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”