@HansGrubertron

BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*

ME: perfect, thanks

BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*

VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great

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@Rollmaninoz

Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??

@Marlebean

I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions

Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands

@huntigula

GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people

@mommajessiec

My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.

@ThisOneSayz

*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?

@AtypicalMama

H:”Where’d you get those shoes?”
Me:”I’ve had these for years. Is that a new grill I saw?”
H:”Nope just cleaned the old one”

*Marriage lies

@Social_Mime

Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

@TheTweetOfGod

Man shall not live on bread alone. Yet it is easy to forget this at restaurants and end up full before the appetizer.