@HansGrubertron

BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*

ME: perfect, thanks

BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*

VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great

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@AsgardianRose

8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.

Me: Sounds pretty legit.

@bossy_bootz

Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher

@Vandalyzm

my co worker is getting married.

She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.

Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.

Their new last name will be Nighthawk

@sarcasticmommy4

A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.

On the way to school.

@lahirip

We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around

@lasergirl70

My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.

@Crunk_Jews

Her: I’d take a bullet for you.

Me: How soon can you do that?

@RoosterMustache

Early bird gets the worm

2nd mouse gets the cheese

3rd cow gets the grass

All cows get to eat grass tho, theres not really a low supply.

@MyNameIsArchaic

I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.

Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…

ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.

@crocodilethumbs

guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead

shawn: a shawnce

sean: I have a better idea