BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
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Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
SCARY COSTUME
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.