Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.

i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”

ME *enters new password*

COMPUTER: Ok

M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?

C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind

FUN FACT:

Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.

College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.

Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.

Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?

Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.

You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?

I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night

A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.

He is ready

#meowed #TheMeowedClub

Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.

Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS

It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”

*first date*

her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose

me: I like the sound of that

her: mmmmm oh do you now.

me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?

cop: what happened?

librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

coo: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

never deleting this app.

Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.

Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.

If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.

[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane

KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when

[several hours later]

KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when

І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.

Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?

Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.

Dora: *stares blankly*

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me: *nervous sweating*

Dora: that was my favorite part too!

Me: Oh thank god

My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.

My kids were arguing whether milk or water is better so I chimed in that actually conditioner is better because it makes the hair silky and smooth. Zero laughs. My best jokes are wasted on these guys.

Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.

*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*

SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!

Judge- no, CREDIBLE!

Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL

My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.

Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”

Inventing The Octopus-

God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?