Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing

I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”

*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*

My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.

Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line

If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.

I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps

Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.

Whoa 😂

I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.

all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”

Sometimes I’m right.

Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.

(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)

Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING

Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.

My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.

My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

My mother had eight kids. She didn’t have time to cut our ham sandwiches in quarters. We just went to school with a bag of wheat and a live pig and figured it out.

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I don’t know when to quit.

Interviewer: You’re hired!

Me: I quit.

I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.

Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.

Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good

why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?

Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.

[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]

GIRL: I wanna marry you

BOY 1: 😲

BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.

I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid

Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.

I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.

Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP