Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]

HER: So what kind of car do you drive?

ME: A bookmobile.

Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil

mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight

me: for the cake

mob boss: what

me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me

mob boss: that’s not what I-

me: it’s my birthday

Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.

I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.

Just gonna catch up and tackle him.

“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”

[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”

Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”

Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.

You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

[class trip]

I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm

DO U HAVE COWS?

Yes, it’s a dairy farm

DO U HAVE WHALES?

Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?

A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.

4: mom can I sing just a short song?

me: yes

4: ok its only just three hours long I promise

narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long

I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse

Wife: don’t forget the list

Me: I won’t

[later]

Me: [calling from the grocery store]

My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…

Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.

Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”

Student: Would you use it in a sentence?

Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”

Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!

Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.

HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now

ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?

8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head

The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.

Be the change!!

*loosely falls to the floor*

*quarter spins*

If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.

I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.

Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.

During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter

Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.

i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —

ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?

I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating