Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.

one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along

wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]

today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born

Doctor: How your diet?

Me: My what now?

Elba: Bond. James Bond.

Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?

hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated

You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.

You’re hopeless.

2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*

1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself

[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly

Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you

Me: i have one pretty serious symptom

WebMD: that you know of

“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control

PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.

Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.

Carl: “It’s chilly out.”

Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”

“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”

“Fair enough, Carl.”

I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.

That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.

is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?

the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.

Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.

The absolute effort that went into this omg

Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess

[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing

me: there’s a fly in my soup

waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once

me: no, just the one is enough

Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me

PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.

Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?

Me: I want you.

Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?

When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.