Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.

If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.

Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*

If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!

“What’s this switch for?” he asked.

“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”

Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.

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[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”

Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”

Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”

Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”

When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.

What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.

Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.

Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?

[first day at the cia]

supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.

me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.

MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead

ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE

First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.

Women: You didn’t need that rule.

Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.

FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*

Murderer: *walks through the door*

Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it

VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}

PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!

CIA AGENT: Get me more water!

I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.

R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live

CDC: Exactly

R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before

CDC: Uh, okay?

R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work

CDC: NO

I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs

I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”

That’s it. I’m done with people.

Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help

Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs

The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.

i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar

Emotional Fruit:

The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You

when nothing goes right… go left