Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.

Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?

Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?

If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale

I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.

Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.

My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.

Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”

Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.

Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[Later]

Them: So how did you two meet?

Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay

Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!

waiter: any questions?

me: did courtney kill kurt??

him: uh, about the menu?

me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions

I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.

Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.

People who carry their dogs around,

You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine

My husband has officially reached peak dad status.

Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.

Wow my pants are really loose today

*skips to the nearest vending machine*

I had sex once and once was enough

Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂

when the buffet is more honest than your date

Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that

no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision

Dear diary,

Day 1 (8 AM)

For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.

Day 1 (10 AM)

I’ve run out of food.

My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.

Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up

[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?

I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.

Wow your dad must be a rich man.

No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.