Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
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adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Somebody call the cops.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…