Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
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What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
#MeanwhileInCanada
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.