Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
You Might Also Like
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’
My neck, my back, my…
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.