Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
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told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Good morning
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
good morning
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.