Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
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ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Respect
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Interior designer.
Phones down.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.