Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.

Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl

Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.

You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.

☠️☠️☠️

He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.

Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.

I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.

Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd

Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out

Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.

Her: Oh no.

Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.

Her: You already do that.

serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

*hears recording of my voice*

Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?

Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.

I am not a smart woman.

Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.

People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.

Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.

My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.

funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one

You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.

*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.

I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.

if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.

The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.

Them: You have a debt to society

Me: Well they can get in line

Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.

My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.

I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat