Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet

I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.

Hub: Let’s go see a movie

Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*

H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.

Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.

“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”

Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week

I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.

The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.

In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

Home #decor warning.

I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.

My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.

I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.

[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”

my body: please, eat something green

me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*

In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.

[trying to make a new friend]

…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go

Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.

Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT

If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.

📸: @blessingmanifesting

#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth

My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.

She’s eleven.

I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.

You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..

Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I’m flattered…but straight.

Me: *on the toilet*

2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!

Me: I’m downstairs!

2yo: Oh… *runs off*

Me: Why have I not tried that before?

I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti