Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold

You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.

Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype

The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today

What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.

I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.

Friend: You have guacamole on your face.

Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.

I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.

“Kids, are you asleep?”

Kids:

*turns off the wifi*

MUUUUUUUUUUM

People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.

my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”

All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.

Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?

For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident

Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.

Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.

YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir

Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips

As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.

What are WE?
WRITERS!!!

What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!

When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!

[months from now]

CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside

Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?

I put the hot in psychotic.

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”

Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile

Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories

You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.

2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭

speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food

Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.

Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”